poem | Paper Clay Nature

So Much Feels Arbitrary

June 21, 2016

Posted by Sharon

It is the first line of a Marge Piercy poem that I think of often, on many days and for many years now since I first read it more than ten years ago when my son was first born.

“So much feels arbitrary.”

Poem “The Mystery of Survival” in “The Crooked Inheritance” (2006) page 131-133

And yet, I also have it’s equal and opposite thought a great deal of the time. Generally, a sense that I have on occasion that even the smallest act of kindness means just about everything. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed as a parent that each decision from the smallest “Which toothpaste to buy?” to the larger “Which school should I send my child to?” seems like it could radically shift the tragectory of my child’s life. In these cases, Marge Piercy’s poem both soothes my sense that every little thing is the most important thing and also terrifies me.

Part of what I love about my Pilgrimage Pittsburgh project is that I meet people while I’m walking around. It’s much easier to feel connected when we interact with the people in our neighborhoods and communities. There are so many people that live less than a block from my home who I don’t know at all. When I was in the yard that these pictures are from, a woman walked by and said to me, “Oh, the yard looks so beautiful. She just put a lot of work into it and I stopped by to tell her how great it looks.” I said, “I don’t know the person who lives here, I’m just taking pictures of the statues in the yard. They seems special.” The woman who I was talking to said, “Well, you know her husband died about a year ago.” No, you see, I didn’t know this woman who lives here or her grief or anything other than the fact that her front yard is filled with spirit. While some people might consider the appearance of their yard to be “arbitrary” or simply a matter of personal preference, nothing could be further from the truth. The person who created this yard is seeking solace through grief and also expressing a deep spiritual joy and profound faith. I felt the faith as I stood in the yard with the mixture of iconography and balance of playful and meaningful that existed there.

Next door to this small garden is a larger one with just as diverse iconography. In this yard, which has a prominent “Please Curb Your Dog” sign in the middle of the lawn, I found the most delightful “foo dog”, which is really a Chinese guardian lion. When the mouth is open like this it means “in and out” of the breath, like the symbol for “OM”. The ball under his foot suggests that this is a male guardian lion. The female version usually has a small pup with her rather than a ball. And, in another part of the yard, the most flat and yet delightful turtles. Turtles are considered a symbol of wisdom, endurance, wealth, and long life.

It turns out that as I pilgrimage around the neighborhoods of Pittsburgh that we have an incredibly diverse expression of iconography. This is both true of a single site and across multiple connected sites. In Diana Eck’s book, Darsan, which inspired this Pilgrimage Pittsburgh project, she illuminates how the iconography is an expression of the diversity in major religious traditions in India (Eck, page 24). She quotes Mark Twain’s journals from his travels through India when he states, “In religion, all other countries are paupers. India is the only millionaire.” (Eck, page 24) Yet, the diversity of iconography in these Pittsburgh neighborhoods suggests to me that we have an incredible diversity of presence of spirit, belief and faith. I sense so strongly that these leprechauns, turtles, protective lions and saints reflect on a commitment to higher powers, to playful energies and protection that is available to us through sources we can not see with the human eye. Therefore, we put these statues, that we can see with our human eyes, in our yards and make our communities a reflection of these powerful beliefs. This, in my opinion, is a commitment to a joined belief that we are, in fact, not arbitrary. That we are conduits for great ideas, beauty and profound hope. It is not an arbitrary act to set a leprechaun out on your front wall.

If this is your first Pilgrimage Pittsburgh post reading, I started this journey looking for “sacred images” in Pittsburgh and on my travels about three-years ago after reading a short book by Diana L. Eck called, “Darsan:Seeing the Divine Image in India”. I am using the third edition from Columbia University Press (1998) for my references. I keep a Facebook page for the project too and I hope that you will go there and “LIKE” the page because I post there when I have a new set of images and ideas up. If you aren’t into Facebook, then every Sunday, if there is a new post on my blog, my newsletter subscribers get an email newsletter with links to the new content. SUBSCRIBE HERE

Post by Sharon Fennimore, a rogue anthropologist, yogini and women’s health coach based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Say What You Mean

May 4, 2016

Posted by Sharon

There is a short essay by Brian Doyle in the March 2016 issue of The Sun literary magazine titled, “The Way We Do Not Say What We Mean When We Say What We Say” (page 23) that suggests that, “Perhaps languages invent themselves and then have to hunt for speakers.” When I read this, it made me think of a poem by Hafiz:

Your Beautiful Parched, Holy Mouth

A poet is someone
Who can pour Light into a spoon,
Then raise it
To nourish
Your beautiful parched, holy mouth.

(Translated by Daniel Ladinsky and found on page 59 of “I Heard God Laughing” 2006)

Many of you who have studied with me know of my fascination with the Matrika, the vibration of truth that finds its home in the central energetic channel of the subtle body. It is the vibration of that which is most true and each of us has a unique symphony, that the human ear can never hear, yet is playing within us since the moment of our conception. This truth, one that we can never speak with our mouths, is vibrating in every cell of the body. We know that we are in alignment with this vibration of truth when we experience well-being, peace and a calm sense of purpose. When we are out of alignment with our Matrika, we feel anxious, worried and find ourselves in comparison with others and failing to recognise our gifts and contributions to the life force around us. For, the magic of Matrika is that all living beings are vibrating with their own symphony. When we witness someone who is intimate with their Matrika, we have a sense of their peace and it is a beautiful thing to see and feel.

Lissa Rankin, in her profound book, The Fear Cure, says that, “According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 80 percent of visits to the doctor are believed to be stress-related. Yet …what is ‘stress’ if not fear, anxiety, and worry dressed up in more socially acceptable clothing?” (pg. 11, 2015). If friend asks us how we are doing, claiming we are “busy” or “all stressed-out” are not only socially acceptable, they are badges of being “responsible”, “productive” and “active”. What would happen if we told the truth? What if we said, “Well, I had a really nice breakfast and my kids are healthy, but I can’t escape this terrible nagging fear that I’m not living my best life and I’m simply terrified of everything, all the time!”. If you were in alignment with your personal sense of truth, you would not worry, would not rush, would not feel a sense of loss even when everything around you is “ok”.

So, we medicate our anxiety with diets. Food diets that support our greatest health and help us obtain our “ideal weight”. Organization diets that support us in our scheduling, sorting, managing our stuff and our time. Relationship diets that help us know what it is ok to ask for from our partners and what makes us selfish or unlovable and instruct us in how to schedule social time, date nights and be a really wonderful parent at the same time. Beauty routines, exercise routines, and self-control so that we get enough sleep and wear just enough make-up to look alive enough to be “presentable” and we walk around like we are about to fall apart, but the package sure looks nice. As Ben Franklin said, “Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”. For many of us, hours, days and weeks….years!…go by and we are just trying to “get by” or “fake it until we make it”. I’m no exception.

I will say that my yoga and meditation practice, over the last twenty-years, has become a barometer of my alignment with my Matrika. I can tell when I need to attune to my inner guidance and find a more open ear for divine guidance. I watch for patterns, repetitions, chance meetings and shifts in my energy, weight, flexibility and experience. I notice my sensitivities to touch, smell and temperature. If I start to have any physical symptoms, then I pay attention without judgment. I go to places where they sell herbs, teas and supplements and I see what makes me curious and asks me to pull it from the shelf. Just yesterday I bought some kukicha (twig tea) that I haven’t had in years and having a cup this morning it felt like my feet were more firmly planted on the earth. Why twig tea? Why now? It doesn’t matter. If it feels good, tastes good, smells good, then I say, “More please and thank you.”. I start to eat by desire and I pick out the vegetables that seem bright and joyful, try out a new cookbook that happens to catch my eye at the library. I try to spend more time with people who are inspiring and less time with those who drain my energy. Basically, I sense into what I need to move forward in alignment with my purpose and true path.

What language has put its words in your mouth? What scent, taste or environment is calling out to you? What people and foods nourish you? Say yes to what brings you joy and you will find yourself in greater and greater attunement to your Matrika. If you are so lost that you don’t know anymore where the words you say orignated and you can’t taste your food and you can’t feel your joy, then do not despair! For me, the first step to tuning back inwards is through movement. I choose yoga and walking. I love to swim and to dance, but these aren’t always possible. I can do yoga and walk pretty much anywhere. When I move, my thoughts roam freely without my judgement or commentary for my interior narrator. After I move, I usually have a lot more thoughts about what I like or want more of. I don’t pressure myself to take action. Sometimes I just let the idea sit out there as a reminder that I have choices, that I have preferences, that I am a person who knows how to access joy and creativity when the time is right. I’ll tell you, I’ve got an idea in my mind these days that I’d like to go to Portland, Maine. I’ve never been there, but it has been calling to me. There’s an aromatherapy workshop I would like to go to this summer in New York. It’s kind of expensive and it’s before my kids are out of school, so it’s not convenient or probable, but it is out there. Even if I never go to Maine or take the workshop, having these ideas help remind me of who I am.

Many of my clients come to me because they have lost this ability to dream, to desire, to open to the languages that wish to come to them. I have sought out mentoring, training and counseling for this very reason myself. Sure, we could put a label on “it” and call it depression or “the sadness” (as I like to call mine sometimes), but it’s really when the weight of ourselves, our lives, our fears and the desires and wants and judgments of others and ourselves has gotten so heavy that it has blocked the light. The sound of our own personal symphony is muffled or stamped out. But it can’t be stamped out forever. Our Matrika is, in fact, infinite. Our Matrika is patient. Our Matrika will wait for you to step outside and walk around the block, to daydream, to write some words on paper, to color something, to imagine, to get on the plane, to say the “no” that really means “YES” to something else that you really, really, really want. It’s like that brilliant Jim Carrey movie (2008), “Yes Man” where he has to say “YES” to everything.

I hope you sip the light from your spoon soon my dear!

Written by Sharon Fennimore, a yogini teaching yoga, meditation and providing integrative health coaching services to women and families with young children based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Sign up for my newsletter and get FREE membership in my online community “Make Room” where you will get all the support you need to clear emotional and physical clutter.

Everything Changes

April 16, 2016

Posted by Sharon

[I said to Suzuki Roshi,] “I could listen to you for a thousand years and still not get it. Could you just please put it in a nutshell? Can you reduce Buddhism to one phrase?”…He was not a man you could pin down, and he didn’t like to give his students something definite to cling to. He had often said not to have “some idea” of what Buddhism was. But Suzuki did answer. He looked at me and said, “Everything changes.”

~David Chadwick

For the past 24-hours, here in Pittsburgh we have been bathed in the light of the sun through clear blue skies. I feel the sun in the fluids of my body and, all of a sudden, my dreams seem possible. When you live in a place that offers shades of gray (and not in the exciting way) for most days of the year, the light of the sun brings profound shifts in conciousness. This shift is welcomed because it is warm, light and inspiring. As much as this change in season from cold and dark to warm and light is welcomed, the truth is that at the end of last summer I welcomed the cooler air. The abundance of heat had become stifling and I desired a shift towards cooler breezes and an internal retreat. Therefore, it is neither cool or warm that is desired in and of itself, but rather the energetic shifts that come with those changes.

It is curious to me that I can see how these shifts in temperature and light and energies related to the seasons are important to my well-being, creativity and mind-body, but I hold on so tightly to so many things. I worry about losing things. I am terrified to lose people, either through death or natural shifts in relationships of all kinds. My dog is very old. She is such a sweet and loving soul and sometimes I feel my heart breaking just a little, tiny bit, even while she is still alive and well because I know this can’t go on forever. My clients are terrified by global warming, their mortality, their mental and physical health concerns. I feel my own suffering and that of others so deeply. All of these sufferings and fears are rooted in my inability to embody the wisdom presented by Suzuki Roshi, “everything changes”. When things are “good”, I am already suffering because I know that they will change and I wish I could hold onto that “good”. When things are “bad”, I forget that they won’t walways be that way and I identify with that darkness as if it will go on forever.

A few days ago, I was standing outside of a building and a woman appeared who was searching for a medical office, but it seemed like she was at the wrong address. I had my phone with me and offered to use Google maps to search for the address and see where it was in relationship to where we were and as I searched, she told me a little bit about her story. You see, she was going to have her second open heart surgery in the next week and she needed to see a dentist before the surgery. Somehow, she used to have dental insurance, but her health plan was switched without her knowing it and she no longer had insurance. She was rushing around and trying to get the pre-surgical care she needed and she was upset and scared. On top of her concerns about her health and having to recover from having her “chest cut open again”, she didn’t know how she was going to pay for the dentist and now she couldn’t even find the dentist that had agreed to see her without insurance. This is not healing. This woman needed to be cared for, nourished and soothed. I wanted to sit with her in a calm and beautiful place and help her visualize a healing surgery followed by an uncomplicated recovery. I wanted to sit with her around lush greenery and nature so that the color of the heart chakra, green, was surrounding her and she could breathe it in. I didn’t want her to worry about the dentist or how she would pay for it or the pain. It’s so easy for us to become completely absorbed by our own story and our own suffering that we forget that everyone is also experiencing these cycles of suffering. Everyone. No matter how much money you have, resources, education, or fancy shoes that match your suits……..it simply doesn’t prevent change.

My students know that I have been working with a gatha (meditative poem) by Thich Nhat Hanh for the past year and I believe it is the perfect way to work with this energy of suffering around change or to release attachment to change that is perceived as beneficial. This poem brings a sense of equanimity.

Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

In his book of guided meditations, The Blooming of a Lotus (1993), Thich Nhat Hanh provides this same gatha with breathing instructions for each part of the poem:

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment.
Breathing out, I know this is a wonderful moment.

In short:

Breathing in: CALM

Breathing out: SMILE

Breathing in: PRESENT MOMENT

Breathing out: WONDERFUL MOMENT

I hope you will find this simple poem and breathing practice as helpful as I do in bringing peace and equanimity into this moment regardless of our circumstances. It is in this state of equanimity that we can also be compassionate to all other living beings as they navigate their changes.

Written by Sharon Fennimore, a yoga and meditation instructor and women’s health coach based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Please join my online community MAKE ROOM and learn how to meditate for clarity and peace. I’d so very much be delighted to have you join us!

Stir the Sea

March 20, 2011

Posted by Sharon