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Say What You Mean

There is a short essay by Brian Doyle in the March 2016 issue of The Sun literary magazine titled, “The Way We Do Not Say What We Mean When We Say What We Say” (page 23) that suggests that, “Perhaps languages invent themselves and then have to hunt for speakers.”  When I read this, it made me think of a poem by Hafiz:

Your Beautiful Parched, Holy Mouth

A poet is someone
Who can pour Light into a spoon,
Then raise it
To nourish
Your beautiful parched, holy mouth.

(Translated by Daniel Ladinsky and found on page 59 of “I Heard God Laughing” 2006)

Many of you who have studied with me know of my fascination with the Matrika, the vibration of truth that finds its home in the central energetic channel of the subtle body.  It is the vibration of that which is most true and each of us has a unique symphony, that the human ear can never hear, yet is playing within us since the moment of our conception.  This truth, one that we can never speak with our mouths, is vibrating in every cell of the body.  We know that we are in alignment with this vibration of truth when we experience well-being, peace and a calm sense of purpose.  When we are out of alignment with our Matrika, we feel anxious, worried and find ourselves in comparison with others and failing to recognise our gifts and contributions to the life force around us.  For, the magic of Matrika is that all living beings are vibrating with their own symphony. When we witness someone who is intimate with their Matrika, we have a sense of their peace and it is a beautiful thing to see and feel.

Lissa Rankin, in her profound book, The Fear Cure, says that, “According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 80 percent of visits to the doctor are believed to be stress-related.  Yet …what is ‘stress’ if not fear, anxiety, and worry dressed up in more socially acceptable clothing?” (pg. 11, 2015).  If  friend asks us how we are doing, claiming we are “busy” or “all stressed-out” are not only socially acceptable, they are badges of being “responsible”, “productive” and “active”.  What would happen if we told the truth?  What if we said, “Well, I had a really nice breakfast and my kids are healthy, but I can’t escape this terrible nagging fear that I’m not living my best life and I’m simply terrified of everything, all the time!”.  If you were in alignment with your personal sense of truth, you would not worry, would not rush, would not feel a sense of loss even when everything around you is “ok”.

So, we medicate our anxiety with diets.  Food diets that support our greatest health and help us obtain our “ideal weight”.  Organization diets that support us in our scheduling, sorting, managing our stuff and our time.  Relationship diets that help us know what it is ok to ask for from our partners and what makes us selfish or unlovable and instruct us in how to schedule social time, date nights and be a really wonderful parent at the same time.  Beauty routines, exercise routines, and self-control so that we get enough sleep and wear just enough make-up to look alive enough to be “presentable” and we walk around like we are about to fall apart, but the package sure looks nice. As Ben Franklin said, “Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”.  For many of us, hours, days and weeks….years!…go by and we are just trying to “get by” or “fake it until we make it”.  I’m no exception.

I will say that my yoga and meditation practice, over the last twenty-years, has become a barometer of my alignment with my Matrika.  I can tell when I need to attune to my inner guidance and find a more open ear for divine guidance.  I watch for patterns, repetitions, chance meetings and shifts in my energy, weight, flexibility and experience.  I notice my sensitivities to touch, smell and temperature.  If I start to have any physical symptoms, then I pay attention without judgment.  I go to places where they sell herbs, teas and supplements and I see what makes me curious and asks me to pull it from the shelf.  Just yesterday I bought some kukicha (twig tea) that I haven’t had in years and having a cup this morning it felt like my feet were more firmly planted on the earth.  Why twig tea? Why now?  It doesn’t matter.  If it feels good, tastes good, smells good, then I say, “More please and thank you.”.  I start to eat by desire and I pick out the vegetables that seem bright and joyful, try out a new cookbook that happens to catch my eye at the library.  I try to spend more time with people who are inspiring and less time with those who drain my energy. Basically, I sense into what I need to move forward in alignment with my purpose and true path.

What language has put its words in your mouth?  What scent, taste or environment is calling out to you?  What people and foods nourish you?  Say yes to what brings you joy and you will find yourself in greater and greater attunement to your Matrika.  If you are so lost that you don’t know anymore where the words you say orignated and you can’t taste your food and you can’t feel your joy, then do not despair!  For me, the first step to tuning back inwards is through movement.  I choose yoga and walking.  I love to swim and to dance, but these aren’t always possible.  I can do yoga and walk pretty much anywhere.  When I move, my thoughts roam freely without my judgement or commentary for my interior narrator.  After I move, I usually have a lot more thoughts about what I like or want more of.  I don’t pressure myself to take action.  Sometimes I just let the idea sit out there as a reminder that I have choices, that I have preferences, that I am a person who knows how to access joy and creativity when the time is right.  I’ll tell you, I’ve got an idea in my mind these days that I’d like to go to Portland, Maine.  I’ve never been there, but it has been calling to me.  There’s an aromatherapy workshop I would like to go to this summer in New York.  It’s kind of expensive and it’s before my kids are out of school, so it’s not convenient or probable, but it is out there.  Even if I never go to Maine or take the workshop, having these ideas help remind me of who I am.

Many of my clients come to me because they have lost this ability to dream, to desire, to open to the languages that wish to come to them.  I have sought out mentoring, training and counseling for this very reason myself.  Sure, we could put a label on “it” and call it depression or “the sadness” (as I like to call mine sometimes), but it’s really when the weight of ourselves, our lives, our fears and the desires and wants and judgments of others and ourselves has gotten so heavy that it has blocked the light.  The sound of our own personal symphony is muffled or stamped out.  But it can’t be stamped out forever.  Our Matrika is, in fact, infinite.  Our Matrika is patient.  Our Matrika will wait for you to step outside and walk around the block, to daydream, to write some words on paper, to color something, to imagine, to get on the plane, to say the “no” that really means “YES” to something else that you really, really, really want.  It’s like that brilliant Jim Carrey movie (2008), “Yes Man” where he has to say “YES” to everything.

I hope you sip the light from your spoon soon my dear!

Written by Sharon Fennimore, a yogini teaching yoga, meditation and providing integrative health coaching services to women and families with young children based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  Sign up for my newsletter and get FREE membership in my online community “Make Room” where you will get all the support you need to clear emotional and physical clutter.