It’s a snow day here in Pittsburgh—-a REAL snow day! A day that reminds us not to take our little scheduled selves all that seriously, to stay in our pajamas and build snow creatures in our backyards. In honor of the snow day, I thought I’d provide a list of insults and jokes from one of my favorite joke books, the 4th edition of A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book.
INSULTS
I’d say he’s about one Froot Loop shy of a full box.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s asleep.
I’d explain it to you but your brain would explode.
I like your approach…let’s see your departure.
Where other people have a brain, he’s got resonance.
Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
Hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Looks like he played goalie for the darts team.
YO’ MAMA JOKES
In honor of the Matrikas, who I am sure know how to take a joke, I also offer some Yo’ Mama Jokes. You know, with all due respect and all that.
Yo’mama is so fat, she doesn’t have a tailor, she has a contractor.
Yo’mama is so fat, she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
Yo’mama is so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.
Yo’mama is so dumb, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo’mama is so dumb, she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
Yo’mama is so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
Yo’mama is so ugly, your father takes her to work with him so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo’mama is so old, she still owes Moses a quarter!
Yo’mama’s armpits stink so bad, she made Right Guard turn left.
MUSICIAN JOKES
How do you get the drummer out of your house?
Pay him for the pizza.
A banjo is like an artillery shell–by the time you hear it, it’s too late.
Do you know the definition for perfect pitch?
When you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion.
A bunch of bass players walk into a bar. The orchestra is playing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, and there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so the bass players decide to go out and have a few beers. They tie a string to the conductor’s score, so that when he turns the page, it will tug on the string, and the bass players will know to come back for the end of the symphony.
So the performance goes on, and eventually, the conductor looks up and realizes he’s in big trouble: It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!
MAN JOKES
After all those Yo’Mama Jokes….these seem in order.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn’t want him and his mother won’t take him back.
THIRD GRADE JOKES
What kind of bees give milk?
Boobies.
What is large, gray, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don’t work.
HAPPY SNOW DAY PITTSBURGH!!!!!
Reference
A Prairie Home Comapanion Pretty Good Joke Book. New 4th Edition. Highbridge Company: Minneapolis. 2005
Posted by Sharon Rudyk
Owner of Yoga Matrika, a beautiful yoga studio located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
https://www.yogamatrika.com/
http://www.sharonrudykyoga.info
http://www.prenatalyogapittsburgh.com